Turn off the strobe light I think I
Saints and angels surround me.
When they smile and show their teeth
I can see their wings.
Shut your eyes, and close the windows
During a kiss or a sneeze
God Bless you
Lord I believe
It all starts with the best intentions and ends up in degrees
This love is melting me right down to my knees
This girl came up to me and she asked me what that was on my lip. I said a cold sore. She said no, on your upper lip. I said oh that. that’s my mustache. She said I like your mustache very much. I said i know.
If you really want to win an ugly Christmas sweater contest rub poop on your sweater. It would be the equivalent of dropping a nuclear bomb. You would win but at what costs to society.
When you tell a girl she looks like she makes home made bread. She isnt going to think you are telling her she looks like a wholesome girl who would bake some bread for her family. She thinks you are implying she has a yeast infection.
Dinner party
Every once in a blue moon I would do some coke. It made me feel really accessible. I wouldn’t do it all the time but every once in a while. I liked to do it Unfortunately, whenever I did it made me have to take a shit. and taking a shit when your all coked up is very frustrating because you don’t want to waist your high sitting on the toilet. So you try and rush and you wind up wiping your ass for like fifteen minutes. Cause you were too impatient to just take a normal shit
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Girl, you’re my big Z
A couple in their late twenties is sitting in a restaurant eating a sampler platter. Mozzarella sticks chicken fingers, things of that nature. The guy is wearing jeans and a browns jersey. The girl is dressed in jeans and a going out shirt.
Man: “Alright, this is what you don’t understand. I love you. I want to make this work. But you got to let me be LeBron.”
Women: “What?”
Man: “It’s a metaphor for our relationship; you got to let me be LeBron. You’re big Z and I’m Lebron. Big Z is essential to the team’s success. He does a lot of great things. He is a good free throw shooter. He can get offense rebounds. He has great range for a big man. But when the game’s on the line, LeBron gets the ball.”
Women: “You think I look like Zydrunas Ilgauskas?”
Man: “No, you don’t look anything like Big Z. You are real sexy. You got a nice body. And your face is pretty. Your hair smells nice. Your head is a little big but besides that you don’t look anything like Z. It’s a metaphor. I am trying to find a way to explain our complex relationship in simpler terms.”
Women: “This is stupid.”
Man: “It’s not stupid. In fact, you’re stupid.”
Women: “you are so mean to me?”
Man: “You’re not stupid. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. Let me try it again. If our relationship was a professional basketball team, it would be the Cavs, and on that team I would be LeBron James and you would be big Z. LeBron loves and appreciates big Z and knows that the team is better off with Z. Sometimes when Z is shooting free throws he can’t believe how lucky he is to be with Z. (the girl reaches for a mozzarella stick. The guy slaps her hand.) Hey you listening?
Women: Yeah, I can listen and eat.
Man: What if you burn your mouth while you’re eating that mozzarella stick. You’re gonna miss something important. And then I will have to repeat myself.
Women: but I’m hungry and it’s hard to concentrate when you’re hungry
Men: alright well then you can eat the loaded nachos. You probably won’t burn your mouth eating those. But look at me while you’re eating them. Don’t get preoccupied with finding the nachos with the most stuff on them. Alright.
Women: Okay
Man; So anyway When Z was a free agent people where saying let him go there are better centers out there. Z is slow, and he doesn’t play great defense, and he never shuts up when him and LeBron are watching TV and when LeBron went to Blockbuster to rent a DVD there was another center there that he went to high school with and the center gave LeBron her phone number and said call her and then that centers cell phone rang and her ring tone was Lollipop by Lil’ Wayne so you know she doesn’t mind doing something. But LeBron didn’t care. He said I don’t care about all those other centers or their ring tones. I want Z. I am committed to Z. And Z appreciated that, and even though maybe Z could have gone somewhere else and made a little more money and had better individual numbers he knew if stayed with LeBron he would have the best chance to win a championship.” Alright you can eat a mozzarella stick and think about what I just said. Then come up with a couple questions. So I know you were paying attention.
The women reaches for mozz stick and dips it in the marinara. The guy grabs some loaded nachos and a chicken finger
Women: “What about the other players on the Cavs? Who is Boobie Gibson in our relationship?”
Man: “Nobody’s Boobie Gibson in our relationship. Why do you care about Boobie Gibson? You think he’s cute? You want to make out with him? Forget Boobie Gibson. He is not even gonna start this year.”
Women: “I was just trying to understand the metaphor better.”
Man: “Bullshit. Why didn’t you ask, who Delonte West was in our relationship? Do you think about Boobie Gibson winning the three point contest when we’re having sex? Does the fact that he set a record with eleven threes in the Rookie/Sophomore Game turn you on?”
Women: “No I was just trying to understand. I’m a little lost.”
The man reaches and dumps all the dipping sauces into his drink glass.
Women: Why did you do that?
Man: “ Because I’m friggin tired of all this Boobie Gibson talk. You think Boobie Gibson would take you out for a nice appetizer sampler. Let me tell you what he wouldn’t. All he would want to do is hit threes in your face.
Women: “I’ve never mentioned him before; I’m just trying to understand it better. Can you try one more time?”
Man: “Okay. Bottom line- you try and be Kobe too much. Telling me what to do. How to act. What to wear. You’re always trying to be the boss. Kobe and LeBron can’t coexist over the long haul. They may play great in the Olympics but over a whole season and a career, it wouldn’t work. LeBron wants and needs Z. He doesn’t want Kobe. You see what I’m saying. I want you to be my Z. Will you be my Z?”
Women: “I’ll try and be your Z.”
Man: “I’m not asking you to try. Will you or won’t you be my Z?”
Women: “I’m going to be your Z.”
call waiting
It really is hard to be a human being. I mean the human being you want to be. That’s why I think Mother Theresa was such a great saint. Because she had to live so long. She had to do the right thing for years and years and years. I bet some days she wished someone would come and martyr her because then she wouldn’t have to feel like she was letting God down. I mean I don’t know for certain if she felt like she was letting God down or not. But I think I heard that in some of her diary’s she wrote she wasn’t sure if God loved her or not. and why else would she feel like that if she didn’t feel like a failure from time to time. I just hope I die during one of the weeks when I’ve given up masturbating and I am riding high. And not in one of the weeks when I have lost my focus and gone on a bit of a bender.
I guess I have to hope I live another week.
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ugly as ever
Friday, March 4
“You look like my cousin.”
“That’s your line? You look like my cousin? That is a very weak line.”
“You should take that as a compliment. I’ve always been very attracted to my cousin.”
She smiled and said, “That is gross.”
